Painful Remembrance
by Elizabeth Valentine
Summary: Midvalley comforts Legato as he is forced to relive his childhood on a nightly basis. YAOI LegatoxMidvalley, MidvalleyxLegato, OCxLegato, KnivesxMidvalley, non con
1. Watching You Sleep

**A/N:** Yes! Another extremely OOC fic! Midvalley is ok, I think, and there's not really enough of Zazie to make a judgement. Dominique is only mentioned. Legato is the real problem here, but we have to remember that he is currently child!Legato so he's gonna be OOC, even when he wakes up. Also, it will be explained later in detail how he acts differently around people he really trusts, so...yeah. 

I suppose I should really write some more of 'Twisted Memories' and the Xmas one I'm doing (both Weiss Kreuz), along with the long awaited final chapter of 'Harry Potter and the Unexpected Pregnancy', but I had a sudden desire to write a Trigun fic. I can see this being a long one, so don't expect many chapters any time soon. This is really just a teaser *grin* but it will be finished, don't worry. 

I have taken a lot of liberties in this. We are assuming that the Gung-Ho Guns are living in a big house thingy with nice rooms and stuff (and cheesecake!), so I'm completely discounting anything else. That's why it's AU! 

**WARNINGS:** Death, depression, **yaoi** (m/m), child abuse (EVIL *stabs*), non con. 

**PAIRINGS:** Legato x Midvalley, Midvalley x Legato, OC x Legato (non con), probably others. 

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Trigun or any of the characters mentioned here. If I did, you can bet there would be a _hell_ of a lot more yaoi in the series (innuendos are not enough!) 

~*~

**Painful Remembrance **

By Neko Malik (aka Berserker Farfarello) 

**Chapter 1** - Watching You Sleep 

I suppose it was too much to hope that he wouldn't dream tonight. I'm exhausted all of the time now, he keeps me awake so often, thrashing about and calling out in his sleep. It hurts so much to see him like this. I can't wake him, though; I can't stand it if I do. The look in his eyes the first time I tried it was enough to make it the last time as well; terror and revulsion. I've never seen him look that way at anybody, especially not me. I think I cried as I held him close to my chest, stroking his hair and whispering soothing words. I don't think he heard me. He fought at first, but then relaxed against me, whimpering and crying. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I want to help, but he wont let me, wont tell me what's wrong. I've pretty much figured it out from what he screams as he sleeps, trapped within the throes of his own nightmarish world. "Daddy" comes up a lot of the time, and "Mama" sometimes too, but not in a nice way. If his parents are still alive, I swear I'll kill them myself. 

"Stop! Please, daddy, no more." It's starting, our nightly horror. His, because he has to live it again, and mine because I love him too much for it to not affect me. "Please, no, not that! Please!" It's a bad one tonight, his screams echo around the room and I hold him, it's all I can do. It's incoherent wailing now, his whole body shaking with fear. This was how I found him the first time, shaking and screaming. Our rooms are pretty soundproof, but you can still hear loud noises if you walk past the doors. That was how I managed to stumble across him the first time. I had woken up in the middle of the night with a strange desire for cheesecake. I knew that we had some in the fridge, so I decided to get out of bed and locate it. This was odd for me, as I don't normally wake up once I'm asleep until my alarm clock goes off. 

To get to the kitchen, I had to go past his room. It was purely by chance that I happened to be right outside his door when he let out a particularly loud wail. Being curious, I stopped, wondering if I had imagined it, and pressed my ear to the door. I hadn't imagined it. At the time, I wasn't sure what was happening. He isn't, by nature, a very vocal person and I knew that he wouldn't scream like that if something wasn't wrong. 

I slipped silently inside, quickly closing the door behind me. I was mildly surprised that it wasn't locked. But then, who would be visiting? I'm the only one he ever really spoke to, other than when giving, or being given, orders. The curtains were open, one of the moons cast an eerie glow over his bed. The covers moved like a sea of snakes as he thrashed beneath them, clawing at the air to try and forcefully remove some invisible attacker. I couldn't just stand and watch, I had to do something, so I crossed the room to try and calm him. 

"Legato." I gripped his arms tightly, but he just pushed against me trying to get free. I wouldn't let go, though perhaps I should have. "Legato." I spoke a little louder this time, trying to wake him as he thrashed wildly about in my grasp. "Legat..." He opened his eyes. I couldn't let go then, couldn't breathe, as he stared up with a terror that was almost tangible to me emanating from those bottomless pools of amber he has for eyes. 

He wasn't fighting me any more, just sobbing and shaking slightly. He had practically pressed himself into his mattress, as though afraid to be hit. I knew then that he didn't recognise me, couldn't see who I was. I couldn't see who he was either, as this was most certainly not the man I had to work with every day, the calm and collected Legato who would do anything for the cause, who had never lost his temper or shown any real emotion. That was when I realised that I didn't know Legato at all, and I couldn't let this new, vulnerable persona slip through my fingers. That was why I stayed with him the first night, holding him to me until he fell asleep. 

The next morning was...strange. I had awoken long before him, as the light from the early morning sun decided to shine straight onto my face and wake me up. I can't sleep with my curtains open; Legato can't sleep with them closed. He was still lying half on my chest, as he had been when he fell asleep, and was clutching at my nightshirt tightly. I amused myself by running my hands through his hair, marvelling at the colour and texture, like strands of silk made from the deep blue of our atmosphere, just before space. I examined the shape of his face, thinner than usual as I had noticed he had been eating less. Hell, compared with what he ate before the guy was practically starving himself. I was running my fingers over one closed eyelid as I felt it flutter beneath the light pressure. I moved my hand away just in time as his eyes flew open. He looked about to bolt, until he realised who I was and calmed considerably. 

"Midvally?" He looked so confused, it was adorable. I had a sudden urge to kiss him, but managed to restrain myself for the time being. I couldn't help but smile, though, tightening my grip around his waist with my left arm to pull him closer and moving my right hand back to where it was stroking his hair. He practically purred at that, relaxing against me completely in a boneless heap. We stayed like that for some time, until my hand got tired and stilled and the silent tears returned, making his body shudder, and all I could do was hold him until they stopped. 

"You want to talk about it?" I finally enquired, speaking softly as he probably had a headache after crying for so long. He shook his head no, and I was happy to leave it at that. 

Every night after was the same; I would stay awake until he went to bed and then stand outside his door, waiting for the dreams to start. My nightly vigil was only disturbed once by Zazie going down to the kitchen. He gave me a strange look, but didn't say anything, for which I am grateful. Sometimes it would take hours after he had fallen asleep for the nightmares to plague him, sometimes only minutes. They lasted for different times, too, the shortest lasting only seconds and the longest being several hours. I stayed with him, though, every night without fail. Eventually I stopped going to my room altogether, as there didn't seem to be any point any more. No one said anything about it as my stuff was slowly moved into his room. Dominique has my old room now, as it is larger than hers. No one questioned than, either. 

I must have zoned out, I think, because he's staring up at me with those frightened eyes that make him look so much younger. I try to smile at him, try to move my arm back around his waist from where it has fallen, but I can't seem to move. He's moved, now he's staring down at me, kneeling over me. He's crying, I can see the silver droplets running down his cheeks, falling to my bare chest with a splash. He doesn't like me to wear shirts to bed, says the buttons dig in and it hurts. 

"Midvalley?" There's desperation in his voice, why can't I move? "Midvalley! Oh, god, I'm sorry, I didn't mean...didn't mean to, please be ok." What's he talking...oh. Somehow, in his nightmare, Legato must have lashed out mentally, which would explain why I can't move. I think he fried something. It would also explain my lack of perception of time, as well as why it is suddenly so bright. I must have passed out, and it's morning now. My vision is going fuzzy now, I think I'm dying. Why doesn't that frighten me? I guess he fried that part of my brain too. Oh well. 

"Please try to stay conscious, I'm going to try and fix it but you have to stay with me, please Middy. Midvalley!" It's no use. He's my only reason to live any more, but I can't seem to care. The blackness is somewhat comforting, so I surrender to it. 

~*~

**A/N:** O.o That was NOT how that chapter was supposed to end. Again, more liberties taken *grin* but anyways, hope you liked! Don't kill me! *hides* 


	2. Waking up in Your Arms

**A/N:** Yeah, I'm taking a lot of liberties here, so sue me! Actually, don't, since I have nothing and own nothing. Besides, this is AU! It was pointed out to me that Midvalley is a little too Uke-ish. There is a reason for this, which hopefully will be explained soon. Hopefully. 

Why do I always begin my authors notes with 'yeah'? 

It's short. 

**WARNINGS:** Death, depression, **yaoi** (m/m), child abuse (EVIL *stabs*), non con. 

**PAIRINGS:** Legato x Midvalley, Midvalley x Legato, OC x Legato (non con), probably others. 

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Trigun or any of the characters mentioned here. If I did, Midvalley would not be...wait, that's a spoiler. 

~*~

**Painful Remembrance **

By Neko Malik (aka Berserker Farfarello) 

**Chapter 4** - Waking up in your arms 

"Midvalley?" Huh? Wha..? "Wake up, Midvalley, it's time to wake up now." Oh, it's Legato. Feels early, too early to wake up yet. I wonder if he'll let me sleep for a few more minutes. Knowing Legato, probably not. "C'mon, wake up!" Ok, so knowing Legato definitely not. 

"M'awake." I manage to mumble, though I don't know if it was coherent enough for him to understand or translate. 

"Open your eyes for me, Middy, I want to see your eyes." Well, how can I refuse a request like that? Unfortunately for me, the curtains are wide open. Apparently it's later in the day than I had thought. 

"Ow. Headache." I mumble, shutting my eyes quickly to stop the glare of the sun. My head is pounding like crazy and I feel hung over, or like I've slept for days, whichever comes first. "What happened?" I can feel his hand stroking the side of my face, a gentle caress. 

"I'm sorry." Why is he apologising...oh, right, the dream. I guess he fixed my head because I've regained the use of my body. "I didn't mean to, honest, please don't be mad." ...the hell? I know Legato regresses sometimes, but I've never heard him speak like this before. I manage to open my eyes, slowly, squinting slightly. He looks so worried, so scared, like he expects me to lash out or something. I smile, reaching up to where his hand is caressing my face and still it with my own. I turn the hand slightly and kiss his palm. A shudder runs through his body; I didn't realise that his hands were so sensitive. 

"I'm not mad at you, Legato." I'm in love with you, I add silently. I think he heard it, though, because his face lights up all of a sudden. He doesn't quite smile, but I can see the corners of his mouth twitch slightly and his eyes change shape, as they do when he's happy. He bends down to kiss me softly, and I use my grip on his hand to pull him down on top of me so that he is half lying on my chest. I'm still a little sore, but that's not enough to stop me from pulling him against me in a tight hug. He pulls his legs up onto the bed to lie beside me and wraps his arms around my waist, resting his head on my chest. I find my hands playing with his hair again; I just can't seem to keep them still when he's near me. The blue strands fascinate me, particularly as it's his natural colouring. 

"Legato?" I ask, finally gathering the courage to ask one of the questions I've been dying to ask since I first found out about the nightmares. 

"Hmm?" He sounds like he's dozing off, which wouldn't surprise me as he manages to do it every time we lie together like this. 

"Why are you afraid?" He tenses in my grip, digging his long fingers into my back as though he is in pain. I instantly feel guilty for asking, but that doesn't override my curiosity. He doesn't answer. 

"Legato?" He begins to shake, a sure sign he's trying not to cry. "Baby? Please talk to me." A small sob escapes his throat, as he is unable to suppress it any longer. I hold him, again, as he cries, knowing that this time I am the one who caused it. The fit doesn't last long, only a few minutes. "I'm sorry." I speak softly, trying to make my voice sound soothing; not something I find easy to do. "I shouldn't have asked. You don't have to tell me." He looks up at me; eyes still full of tears but under control now. 

"Thank you." His voice is raw from crying but still unmistakably Legato. He is like a small child who has been beaten, unable to break away from his past, unable to move on. 

I don't think that Knives helps much. 

~*~

**A/N:** Very short. With no sex. More sex in a few chapters time. 


	3. Cars Can Hurt

**A/N:**I actually wrote most of this before chapter 4, oh well. Still no explanations on, well, anything really. I've decided that Bastard!Knives will work quite nicely, so gomen to all Knives lovers out there. I'm one of the Knives lovers out there, but I need a baddie and he works well for the part. I'll make it up to everyone by writing a fic where Knives is a main character at some point in the (probably very distant, judging by how easily I get distracted) future. 

I can see this becoming a rather long fic (probably about 10 chapters, which is long for me). Judging by the rate that I'm writing it, though, it shouldn't take long for me to finish. After this I really must get round to finish all of my other unfinished fics, including my re-writing of Bloody Tears. Then I will write more fics. 

**WARNINGS:** Death, depression, **yaoi** (m/m), child abuse (EVIL *stabs*), non con. 

**PAIRINGS:** Legato x Midvalley, Midvalley x Legato, OC x Legato (non con), probably others. 

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Trigun or any of the characters mentioned here. If I did, I would actually have money! 

~*~

**Painful Remembrance **

By Neko Malik (aka Berserker Farfarello) 

**Chapter 5** - Cars can hurt 

"Where are we going?" We are moving at a fast pace, across the sandy excuse for a driveway to Legato's car, parked a few meters from the house. I'll follow Legato, no problem, but I'll be damned if I'll follow him without answers, even if that means pissing him off enough for him to turn on me. Besides, pissing Legato off normally leads to sex in some form or another. To him, arguing with me is just another form of foreplay. 

"To find someone called 'The Siren'." Guess he's not in the mood for foreplay. 

"Why?" Well, there are plenty of other ways to get under his skin. 

"Because Master told us to. I don't know any more than that." He's damn touchy today, and boring too. I think he probably got another roasting off Knives for something or other. Sometimes I detest that man...plant...thing. 

I remember the first time I saw Knives turn on Legato; I had to report Vash's movements to him in person, as I was the one on surveillance at that time. He wasn't happy with what I told him. Legato was directly in the line of fire, so Knives attacked him, beating him into the floor. Legato took it without anything so much as a whimper in protest. I couldn't move, couldn't protect him, much as I wanted to. The insane glint in Knives' eyes terrified me; I've never seen anyone like that before. I knew that if I tried to stop him, I would be next. I'm such a coward. 

Legato didn't blame me, didn't really do much of anything after we managed to finally get away. He had a cracked rib and numerous bruises all over his torso, which I tended to. Knives never breaks the skin, I don't know why. That's the worst state Legato has ever been in at the hands of our 'Master'. I can tell when Knives has said or done something, though, as Legato goes into 'lost puppy' mode for a bit, before going quiet and moody. He refuses to talk about anything, so I can't help him. I want to help him so badly. 

The silence returns for a while. I stare out into the desert as Legato drives. I don't ask where we are going, don't really want to know. A sigh from my right makes me turn to look at Legato. The wind is blowing through his hair, throwing the blue strands into a chaotic disorder. His face is the usual mask of calm indifference he wears around others, but his eyes are different. I can see...sadness, something completely foreign on his beautifully sculpted face. As I study his profile more closely, I can see the corners of his mouth are turned down very slightly, adding to that miserable expression that looks completely out of place on him. 

"Legato, please stop the car." I don't know whether it's the shock of my commanding him or the politeness in my voice, but he complies with my request. We sit still, silent, for a few moments longer before he broke it. 

"What?" He's edgy, I can hear it in his voice and in the short, sharp reply he gives me. It is nowhere near the usual melodic lilt he normally uses when addressing me. 

"I..." I pause, trying to figure out what to say without upsetting him. "Legato, I know that you probably wont tell me what's wrong, and I wont force you to, and I just want you to know that if you ever do decide that you want to talk..." God, it's getting worse and worse. I had no idea I could sound so corny! 

"Thank you, I do appreciate it." Heh, guess it didn't sound as bad as I thought. Legato is looking down, at his hands which are cradling themselves in his lap. 

"Because, well...I guess..." Oh god, here we go. I think I have my fingers crossed, hoping that Legato won't go berserk or anything; the guy's never been exactly stable. "Because I love you." There, I said it. 

"I know." He looks at me, smiling; a real smile. I realise then that I've never seen him smile properly before; it lit his whole face, if possible making him seem more breathtakingly beautiful than before. "I might tell you, one day, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet." His right arm reaches across to me, cupping the back of my head and pulling me forward. "I've never told anyone, so it's not easy for me." He kisses me, a slow, soul-searching kiss that seems to last forever but is over far too soon; he had never kissed me like that before. "But, I think I might be able to tell you, Midvalley, because I love you too." I suddenly have a new respect for soap operas, seeing as how my life has somehow managed to turn itself into one. 

"Legato..." I think there are tears in my eyes as he leans forward to kiss me again. My arms wrap themselves around him as I lose myself to the sensations of Legato's lips moving against mine, his hand running slowly down my spine, across my hip and to my left thigh, resting there. 

We made love in the back of his car, how cliché is that? I never really believed it possible to 'make love', up until that point it was just sex, or a quick fuck if it didn't really mean anything. This was more, though. It felt as though he put all of his feelings into what he was doing, into me. It was slow, but no less passionate or enjoyable than our usual sessions, culminating in one of the most mind-blowing orgasms I have ever experienced. 

Legato is now sprawled out across my chest, still dressed from the waist up. My fingers are absently playing with his hair, fanning it out over my bare skin. I'm trying to make myself ignore the pain in my back from the way I am half sitting, half lying on the backseat, and the cramp in my left leg where Legato has somehow managed to rest almost all of his weight. The guy isn't light, I'm surprised that he can stay so thin with the amount he eats. 

"Middy?" His voice is soft, almost like it belonged to a child, and startles me a little. 

"Hmm?" I reply, not really having the energy to think of a proper sentence, or even a coherent word. 

"You make the voices go away." My fingers stop their lazy movements through his hair as I try to work out what he means. 

"Huh?" Yeah, real intelligent Midvalley. I guess my brain shuts down right after sex. Or maybe during. Whatever, I don't care, it just shuts down. 

"The voices, in my head." He moves a finger to point at his head, just to prove his point and eradicate any doubt as to where it might be on his person. Guess Legato doesn't think much after sex either. 

"Huh?" I repeat. My language skills are amazing. Legato giggles, he actually giggles, like a little kid. I stare at him incredulously, like he had suddenly grown an extra head or something. He looks so calm, so peaceful lying there. I can see his eyes beginning to droop as sleep slowly takes hold of him. 

"Normally they don't shut up; too many thoughts, too many people, I can't stop them. You made them stop. Thank you." I'm completely lost for words as he stares up at me, those impossibly amber eyes meeting my own. I can see a trace there of something new, something I haven't seen before, something called 'humanity'. 

"You're...welcome." We lapse into silence; his contented, mine thoughtful. 

"Middy?" I don't dislike the name he gave me, something no one else has ever cared enough to do, but I'll never let him know that. Oh, right, he's waiting for an answer. 

"Yes?" Short, one-syllable words are my forte. 

"Stop fidgeting." 

"Sorry." I can't help it; my leg feels as though it is about to drop off. 

"Much better." He shifts slightly, not really improving my position underneath him but not really making it worse either. 

"'Gato?" He has to move; the position we're in is much too uncomfortable. 

"Hmm?" He sounds half-asleep; I can feel each breath against my chest become deeper as he falls into slumber. 

"My left leg has gone dead." I can't even feel it any more. 

"..." There's no answer, though I don't think he's ignoring me. 

"Legato?" He has fallen asleep on me. It would have been cute, and I would have been quite happy to let him stay there, if it weren't for the knife-like pains shooting up my back at regular intervals. He looks so peaceful, it seems a shame to move him, but I knew that if I don't then there will be hell to pay in the morning, from him and from my body. 

I sit up, pulling Legato with me. He lets out a slight whimper and his hands clutch for a moment before he relaxes into the new position. I know that it would be impossible to do anything with him leaning against me, so I slide out from beneath him and lay his limp form out over the seats. He cries out, loudly, at the loss of warmth. I feel so awful, but it has to be done. 

I climb back into the front, letting the seats down completely. I have to move him again so that he won't be crushed beneath the headrests. Once both seats are down, I quickly pull my trousers on and am about to reach for my shirt when a sound draws my attention back to Legato. 

"Don't even think about it." He looks so completely fuckable right now; eyes half lidded, hair mussed from our lovemaking before, one hand draped casually across his stomach, the hand pointing down to where... 

"Damnit Legato, don't you ever quit?" He's hard again, and I'm exhausted. 

"It's all of that manhandling. You weren't exactly gentle you know." That damn smirk is back in place again, and I know that I'm was looking at the Legato everyone else knows, not my Legato. 

"Damn pervert." Not that I have any complaints. 

~*~

**A/N:** Can anyone say 'corn'? I've never written anything that awfully sappy in my life and am, quite frankly, ashamed of myself. To make it up to the few who are actually reading this (thank you!!!) I shall stick some more death, sex and angst in later chapters. Next, more plot: Who is 'The Siren' and what does Knives want with her?? Why is Legato so scared?? What's with Midvaley's Uke-ish behaviour?? All will be revealed in several chapters time! 


	4. Shin

**A/N:** Yet another chapter. I have reviews, yey! This is dedicated ppl who reviewed on MM and FF.net! 

More plot, no sex. Not yet, anyway. Next chappie we FINALLY get some explanation as to why Legato is the way he is in this, followed by some more plot and then some Midvalley angst! I'm looking forward to writing that chapter! 

**WARNINGS:** Death, depression, **yaoi** (m/m), child abuse (EVIL *stabs*), non con. 

**PAIRINGS:** Legato x Midvalley, Midvalley x Legato, OC x Legato (non con), probably others. 

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Trigun or any of the characters mentioned here. If I did, I would be able to go round dressed as Legato ALL THE TIME without getting wierd looks from people. 

~*~

**Painful Remembrance **

By Neko Malik (aka Berserker Farfarello) 

**Chapter 6** - Shin 

"Surely you could have picked a better place for out first date, 'Gato." I turn my head to him and smirk, just catching the roll of his eyes and twitch of lips he used to show his amusement. Had I been anybody else, anyone who didn't know him as well as I, then I would have missed it. 

"I didn't think that a 'first date' was that important to you." It's still there, that slight twitching of the left corner of his mouth; he's trying not to laugh. 

"Of course! It's traditional." I pretend to look shocked at his admittance of the irrelevancy of a first date. 

"Well, I'll just have to make it up to you then, wont I?" He turns towards me, letting a his lips twist into a small smile and linger that way for a moment. 

"Yes, you will." I state, grabbing hold of his hand and refusing to let go. I grin at him, revelling in his sudden embarrassment as his cheeks flush a deep pink, his eyes narrow and come together slightly and one corner of his mouth goes down. I do love this expression on him. 

"Midvalley..." I don't let him finish. 

"Well, since we're already here, let's go inside!" I drag him towards the battered looking saloon in front of us; our destination. There are a few brief glances our way as we enter, but the worst we have to endure is a hungry gaze aimed at Legato. No one says anything, despite the fact that the place is full. 

"What'll it be?" The man behind the bar asks as we take our seats to the side of the bar, choosing the high stools over the dirty-looking tables. Legato still looks deeply embarrassed at the fact that I am clinging onto his hand for dear life. 

"The strongest drink you got for me, and something sweet for him." I gesture to Legato with our joined hands, making him flush deeper. As the man walks off to get my drink and Legato's food, I take the time to survey our surroundings. The place doesn't look too bad on the inside, proving that looks can be deceiving, with twenty or so tables scattered around the room. All but two of said tables are surrounded by people, drinking, smoking and generally having a good time. The walls look to be a deep red colour, though it is difficult to tell in this light, and are covered in framed pictures. The bar we are sitting at is very clean, as is everything behind it, which is strange as the rest of the room is relatively dirty. 

"Midvalley." I turn to look at Legato; he's staring at his other hand that is drawing shapes on the bar top. "I'm sorry." God, he's apologising again, what for this time? 

"Legato, I don't care what it is you think you've done, or should have done but haven't, you have nothing to apologise to me for." I turn his head towards me with my left hand, still not letting go of his with my right, and kiss him. It's not a mind-blowing kiss, but it accentuates my point and he's left slightly breathless by the time we part. He doesn't move away, though, staring into my eyes for several timeless moments. 

"Legato!" A voice from across the room breaks our 'moment' and Legato jerks back away from me, nearly dislodging our hands in the process. We both look to see who it is, though I have no idea who I'm looking for. A hand is raised in greeting; a hand belonging to a small, skinny looking girl with pigtails. Practically bounding over to us, her face sporting a huge grin, the girl stops mere inches from where we are seated and clasps her hands behind her back, still grinning. She is wearing what looks to be a dark blue shirt and black pleated skirt; not something you see often. 

"Shin." Legato inclines his head slightly to the girl, showing a reverence he usually reserves for Master Knives only. She lets out a squeak and I can see she's staring at our joined hands. I'm pretty sure that Legato is blushing again as that permanent grin manages to stretch itself further over her face; it looks painful. I am not prepared for her attack, as I find myself on the floor with the girl attached to my waist with an impossibly strong grip. 

"Ow! Get off." I consider killing the girl, but Legato seems to like her so I'd better not. She finally climbs off me and pulls me up, still grinning like a maniac; I'm beginning to think that she's not completely sane. 

Laughter pulls me out of my somewhat destructive musings and I turn to see that the bar tender has returned with our order and is standing laughing at me. I glare at the man and he just laughs harder, though that doesn't surprise me, as I'm not very good at glaring. When he finally manages to calm himself down, the man speaks: "Don't worry, no one can stay standing after one of Shin's 'glomp-attacks', as she calls them. Means she likes you." He leaves our order and wanders off to serve someone else, still chuckling to himself. 

"I take it this isn't a friendly visit, then?" I turn to look at the girl, who is standing with her hands on her hips, looking...no, staring since I haven't seen her blink yet, at Legato. He shakes his head, starting on his pudding; it looks to be ice cream with some sort of chocolate sauce and too much whipped cream. 

"No, unfortunately not. We're trying to find someone called 'The Siren', do you know where we can find her?" Legato is about to put another spoonful of the stuff in his mouth, but I stop him last minute by stealing it for myself. I swallow and pull a face; much too sweet for my tastes. A quiet "hey!" makes its way past his lips as they twist into the cutest pout he could possibly muster. I can't help but laugh and kiss him gently, transferring what is left of the sweet stuff from my mouth and into his. I swear, he moaned slightly at that and moved towards me. 

"That's cute." Shin, once again, broke us from our 'moment' to drag us, somewhat reluctantly, back to reality. "But don't we have something to discuss?" She had taken a seat to Legato's right at some point, leaning against the bar and staring at us with a raised eyebrow. 

"Yes, the Siren." I feel somewhat left out as Legato turns his attention to the girl and I turn mine to the drink in front of me. 

"The Siren is, like us, a human with...strange abilities. _He_ can control people with his voice, a very dangerous talent in the wrong hands. You'll find him out to the west. There's a small settlement of about fifteen houses twenty iles from here, just keep driving in a straight line from the second western entrance to town until you get to it. Ask for Steven Mackwrite when you get there, he'll take you the rest of the way." 

I didn't realise that she had stopped talking, turning her attention to me as I manage to slowly drown myself in the impossibly strong liquor sat in front of me. "Wha..?" I manage to articulate; that stuff really is strong. 

"I said, what's your name, anyway?" My name? What was it? Can't remember. "Please tell me you didn't let him order a 'Death in a Bottle'?" I think she's talking to Legato now. Mmm, Legato, pretty. Maybe we'll have sex later, he's so pretty. I'm not pretty, why does Legato like me? Maybe he doesn't! Oh god, maybe...maybe he's only with me for the sex! Am I even any good? I must be, if he's with me. We have sex a lot, but I'm never on top. I want to be on top. 

"...Midvalley..." A voice, Legato? Why is he here? Oh, yes, right, something about finding someone. Why is he above me? Am I on the floor? I think the alcohol is affecting me more than I thought. 

"'Gato...don't feel so..." I promptly passed out. 

~*~

**A/N:** Let's see if we can double the number of reviews, eh? 'Cause if you don't review, I don't know if you're reading this, or if you even like it. 


	5. First Witness of the Past

**A/N:** Hey all. I got more reviews, yey! ^__^ ppl actually like my story! Anywho, this is out a little later than I wanted it to be. I started it when I ended the last chapter, but got temporary writers' block. I got rid of it, though, thanks to several lemons :P 

I have direction now, yey! I now know exactly what is going to happen in this story. Like I said before; it'll probably be about 10 chapters, maybe a little longer. Ergo, THE END IS NIGH! Well, soon anyway. Read my other fics for examples of my endings :P then again, I have a mix so you can't really tell. 

MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Yes. 

I've already written the ending, anyway. Oh, and Midvalley's hair is black in this though I know it's not technically, but this is AU so I think I'm allowed. 

**WARNINGS:** Death, depression, **yaoi** (m/m), child abuse (EVIL *stabs*), non con. 

**PAIRINGS:** Legato x Midvalley, Midvalley x Legato, OC x Legato (non con), probably others. 

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Trigun or any of the characters mentioned here. If I did, it would be part of the school curriculum! 

~*~

**Painful Remembrance **

By Neko Malik (aka Berserker Farfarello) 

**Chapter 7** - First Witness of the Past 

I can feel something cold being pressed against my forehead, being run down my face and over my neck before returning to repeat the motions. I can feel a dull throb emanating from the back of my skull and I know that that means either the start of a killer hangover, or the end of one. I hope to whichever god is listening that it's the latter. I decide that trying to wake up fully and open my eyes is to much of a chore; I am content to just lie here with that cool cloth, or whatever it is, being run over my face. 

"Middy." Ow, too loud. What did I drink last night, anyway? That 'death' thing was pretty strong; I didn't even finish it, and I can hold my drink as well. "I'm sorry, baby, but you have to sit up. I've got something to help to headache go away, but you have to swallow it." I can feel gentle arms pulling me up and pain explodes inside my head, making me cry out. Strong arms wrap around me and I'm pulled into a firm chest. Risking opening my eyes, I notice that the room is in darkness, though not to dark that I can't see that it's Legato who is holding me, which is a good thing as anyone else would be dead right now. 

A glass is placed to my lips and tipped slightly. I open my mouth obediently and drink. The liquid, whatever it is, tastes foul. So much so that I almost bring the whole lot back up again. Forcing my stomach to still, I notice a sudden woozy sensation wash over my body, dragging me back into the sleep I'd left only moments before. "Sleep now. You'll feel better when you wake up." Legato lays me back down again, but doesn't let go and I take the opportunity to cuddle up to him as he gets comfortable beside me on the bed. One thing I'll never get tired of is Legato holding me as I fall asleep, sometimes playing with my hair as I do so often to him. I try to stay awake for a bit, to savour the feel of his arms around me, holding me close. I can't, though, as I am pulled back into my temporary oblivion. 

~*~ DREAM ~*~ 

"Come here, boy." I look to where the voice is coming from; a large man, standing across the room from me, glaring daggers of pure hatred at me. He looked to be well over 6 foot tall and very large, covered with what was probably muscle once but had degenerated into fat. He is wearing brown; his shirt, trousers, shoes, all brown. I find myself afraid of this oversized giant of a man, cowering away from him. It doesn't help, though, as he becomes angry and crosses the room in three large strides, forcefully lifting me from the floor by my shirt collar. "Are you disobeying me, boy? Hmm?" He shakes me like a rag doll, a look of malice in those small, pig-like eyes of his. "Well?" I try to shake my head 'no', but can't with the way he's holding me. "Answer me!" I'm shaken again, more forcefully this time, until the room begins to spin even when he has stopped. 

"No..." I can barely choke the word out, my throat raw. Why is my throat raw? 

"No what" Spittle flies into my face as he brings me right up into his face. The man is strong; there's no use resisting. It only hurts more what I resist. Where did that thought come from? 

"No...daddy." He drops me, satisfied for the moment. A well-placed kick to my stomach sends me into the wall behind me, making me curl up from the pain. He laughs at my pain; I dare not make a sound else he'll hurt me more. His laughter dies down into a cruel smirk, twisting his ugly face into something resembling what I can only call pure evil. 

"That'll learn ya. Do what yer told next time." I don't recognise the accent; it's really quite strange. I can't seem to think on it long, though, the pain is to excruciating. He lets out one last bark of laughter and turns his back on me, leaving the room from the same door he entered. I have to get up, have to get upstairs, else he'll come back for more. I suck in a breath to prepare myself for the pain to come and push myself up. I don't cry out, though it is almost hurting me not to, as I limp across to the stairs using the wall as a support. It wasn't enough, though, as I collapse again, causing another jolt of intense pain to course through me. 

Then, there was only blissful, painless oblivion. 

~*~ 

I wake up with a jolt, wondering what the hell had just happened. I'm breathing heavily, sweat pouring off my body as though I had just run a marathon. My heart is pounding against my rib cage hard enough to break free and when I reach up to wipe my face I can feel that my face is wet with tears. I'm guessing I had a bad dream. 

I lie still, slowly remembering the terrible thing. It was strange, because I don't ever remember meeting a man like that before, though he looked very familiar. I called him 'daddy', didn't I? But...I killed my 'daddy' a long time ago, and he looked nothing like the man in my dream. Looking over, I can see that Legato is sleeping peacefully on the other side of the bed. In fact, I've never seen him sleep so well before. Strange. 

It hit me. The man...I had seen him before, in a picture. Legato has a picture of his family hidden in his room. I'm not supposed to know about it, but I found it one time when I was looking for something to wear. I could tell it was his family, by the way they were standing in a close group. It was a typical 'professional' picture, with the father, the man in my dream, at the back. The mother was just in front of him, with the two children in front of her. Legato stood to the left while the other, a girl with long pigtails, stood to the right. I have etched that image into my mind, in case I should ever happen to encounter either one of his parents. I hope, for their sakes, that I don't. If I ever do, I will kill them. I wonder what happened to the girl. 

He's waking up; his eyes fluttering open and blinking owlishly in the not-quite light. A small smile lit his face as he looked at me. I returned it and leaned in for a kiss. "Sleep well?" I question, knowing full well what the answer will be. A look of intense confusion crosses his face and he doesn't answer for a moment. It looks as if he's thinking, as his eyebrows crease together. 

"I didn't dream." He finally answers, still looking adorably confused. I pull him to me, stroking his hair. "Why?" I stop moving completely, not sure how to approach the subject. I don't have to think long, though, as he gets the information from me by himself, prying into my head. It annoys me, but there isn't really much I could do about it, as I don't really want to argue with him about it again. He's gone rigid in my arms, not a good sign. 

"Legato..." I start, warningly. 

"You..." He doesn't finish, doesn't have to as he looks up at me, face painted with fury, eyes blazing like fire. He hit me then, hard, making me fall from the bed and hit my head on the small table next to it. He towers over me, looking too much like his father. I'm afraid, back in the body of the boy from my dream. I'm shaking, trying not to cry as he looks like he's about to hurt me again. 

"I'm sorry...sorry..." I curl up into a ball, trying to protect myself from the inevitable attack. Daddy always hurts me like this when he's angry. It's my fault; I made him angry, I should be punished for it. 

"Pathetic." Legato's footsteps make their way towards me; this is going to hurt a lot. They pass, though, and a door slams. He's gone. I lay there for a while, crying and whimpering softly, before I manage to fall asleep. 

~*~

**A/N:** Yup, it's getting very twisted and confusing. All will be explained...within reason. 


	6. Alone with my Fear

**A/N:**Midvalley is not himself right now. You'll see why. This is short. The next chapter is a lemon. I feel so cruel. 

**WARNINGS:** Death, depression, **yaoi** (m/m), child abuse (EVIL *stabs*), non con. 

**PAIRINGS:** Legato x Midvalley, Midvalley x Legato, OC x Legato (non con), probably others. 

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Trigun or any of the characters mentioned here. If I did, it would be made into a live-action movie with Orlando Bloom playing the part of Legato so I would be allowed to drool. 

~*~

**Painful Remembrance **

By Neko Malik (aka Berserker Farfarello) 

**Chapter 8** - Alone with my Fear 

Legato's gone. My neck hurts, my back hurts, my head hurts and my face hurts. More than anything else, though, my heart hurts. He hasn't bothered contacting me, so I don't know where he is or if he's even coming back. After I woke up, I decided to find out where I was exactly. Turns out Legato booked us into a hotel. Not a particularly nice hotel, but a hotel none the less. I borrowed a first aid kit from the woman at the reception desk downstairs and set about bandaging my head from where I'd hit it one the table corner. I guess I must have hit it pretty hard because it hurts like hell now and I managed to break the skin, so I woke up in a pool of blood. Fan-bloody-tastic. 

Still no sign of Legato. He's been gone for hours now. I'm staring out the window to the street below, hoping with all my heart to catch a glimpse of him. I don't, though, and decide to go back to bed. It's very late, around four am, and I'm tired. I don't really want to sleep, though. Not without him. I want him here with me, holding me. That dream is still affecting me and I'm afraid. I don't want to dream again, but I'll cling to anything that lets me get closer to Legato. I didn't realise that I'd fallen for him quite so hard. 

~*~ 

It hurts. Gods it hurts; like a thousand needles being inserted into my lower back. I lie still, trying not to move, not to breathe, but it still hurts. Daddy left a while ago to go out with Mama. I think they went drinking, which means the worst is yet to come. They weren't gentle with me tonight, so later will be very bad. I'm crying, I can feel the tears running down my face, crying like a little baby. I shouldn't cry, it would make Daddy angry if he saw. 

"Legato?" Kyana is at the door, creeping into my room even though there is no one to hear her anyway. I can't move to look at her, it's not worth the pain. I feel the bed move slightly beside me as she sits down and I whimper as the movement jostles me. "They did it again, didn't they?" She didn't need an answer, didn't expect one as she already knew what it would be. 

They don't hurt Kyana, they love Kyana. They don't love me, so they hurt me. I've been called names all of my life because of my 'unusual' appearance. 'Devil-child' is one of their favourites, as well as 'spawn of Satan' and 'freak'. They don't call Kyana any of those things, but she's normal. Not like me. I don't resent Kyana for being the favourite, as she is the only one who cares for me. The teachers at school, other parents, children, none of them care and they've all seen the bruises, the marks left after my 'punishments'. Kyana cares. She dresses my wounds, sets my broken bones and comforts me afterwards. 

All she can do now is comfort, stroking my hair slowly, softly, making me relax so it doesn't hurt as much any more. I love it when people play with my hair. Kyana plays with it a lot, she thinks that it's pretty. Daddy and mama hate it. They pull it out. 

This type of punishment is the worst. 

~*~ 

"...bastard." I can hear the voice, Legato's voice, pulling me from slumber. He doesn't say any more, and I didn't catch what he said first, but the one word I managed to catch is enough. Still under the influence of the dream, and now Legato's callous insult, I burst into tears and can't stop for a long time. 

I lie still on the bed, sniffling softly and generally feeling sorry for myself. I know now that Legato isn't coming back, that's he's gone on without me. My best bet is to return home, if I can even get there by myself. I could steal a car, since I haven't got enough money to buy one myself, but there is a possibility I could get caught. Ah, what the hell, I've not got much to live for now anyway. So, the car it is. I decide to wait for a few hours, though, until it gets dark out. 

I leave the hotel, trying to look inconspicuous. It's dark again, so I don't have to worry as much about being spotted doing something I shouldn't. I spot my target almost immediately; a couple leaving their vehicle, staggering drunkenly into a hotel just across the street. They don't even bother to lock the car, what luck! 

It doesn't take me long to hot-wire the car. It starts with a purr, pulling away from the hotel and disappearing from the view of its owner forever. I should feel some remorse, I guess, but I don't. Serves them right for not locking it. Not that that would have stopped me, just made me feel a little more sorry for them. Possibly. 

As hard as I try, I just can't seem to get Legato off my mind. Each train of thought I follow seems to lead straight back to him. I really miss him. I miss his voice, his hair, the way he has that secret smile just for me. I even miss the sex a little. Ok, so I miss the sex a lot, but not just the sex. I want him back. 

It took me nearly three days to return home. Three days of brooding and thinking about Legato. It would have taken me half the time, had I not gone off course and had to double back. 

Knives was not at all happy when I returned; turns out Legato had arrived back two days before me with the Siren. I knew I was in trouble even before I stepped into the room he reserves for meeting with us. The look on his face just proved that I was right, and it terrified me. 

It was the same as Legato. 

~*~

**A/N:** Er...yeah. I doubt very much if you'll like the next chapter. It wont be posted on FF.net, just on MM and AFF, since it's...horrible. I hate myself. 


	7. Broken Toy

**A/N:** I have no comments. The lemon in this chapter can only be read at MM and AFF, due to restrictions on FF.net. If you get offended easily PLEASE STOP READING NOW! THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS DESCRIPTIONS OF RAPE. 

This is not a nice chapter. 

It will now be at least 12 chapters long. 

**WARNINGS:** Death, depression, yaoi (m/m), child abuse (EVIL *stabs*), non con. 

**PAIRINGS:** Legato x Midvalley, Midvalley x Legato, OC x Legato (non con), probably others. 

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Trigun or any of the characters mentioned here. If I did, it would be part of the school syllabus. 

~*~ 

**

Painful Remembrance 

**

By Neko Malik (aka Berserker Farfarello) 

**Chapter 9** - Broken Toy 

"You disobeyed me." Eyes narrowed, mouth curled into a snarl, Knives stared at me from across the room, his intention clear; to punish me for not doing as asked. It didn't matter to him that I didn't have much of a choice in the outcome of our 'mission', all that mattered was that I hadn't returned with Siren; Legato had. 

"Yes, master." I hang my head, trying to look pathetic and ashamed. It's no use trying to deny it, as then my punishment would be worse. With any luck, he'll let me off with a beating, though I suspect it'll be far worse. 

"Why?" His voice has taken on that quiet fury he shares with Legato; the one that tells me I'm really in trouble. I choose not to answer, since there really is no answer I can give that would make him happy. "I asked why?" He forcefully grabs by chin, wrenching my head up to look him in the eye. I hear an audible click and instant pain; I think he must have pulled something. He grins, having heard it too. "Oh, that's right, you had an argument with your little boyfriend" He practically spits the word out and lets go of my face. I let it drop down, knowing that's what he expects of me; complete subservience. "You do know that he's been fucking that Siren since he got back, don't you?" I'm startled by this, but manage, barely, to not respond to it physically. Inside, though, I feel my heart break and I just want to break down completely. I can't, though, not while Knives is here. 

Lifting my eyes slightly, I can see that he's across the room again, cradling something in his hands as though it's something precious, to be treasured. I can't see what it is from where I'm standing, though I know it's bad news for me. He turns again and I force my eyes down, making sure he doesn't catch me looking at him without permission. He saunters over to me again; hiding whatever it is behind his back so that I can't see it even when he's standing directly in front of me. 

"You know," he purrs, taking hold of my chin again, harder this time, hard enough to bruise. I wince, accidentally, but he doesn't notice or doesn't care. "Since Legato has a new fuck toy, you need a new 'master', don't you?" Oh god…he doesn't mean..? I soon find out that he does as his mouth clamps down on my own, stealing a kiss that I'm not willing to give. I can't struggle, can't do anything, as I'm too shocked to even move. Bad choice, if it even was one, as I find out what Knives was hiding behind his back; handcuffs. Sharpened handcuffs that he has managed to attach around my wrists. He's fastened them tightly, too tightly as I can feel them cutting into the flesh of my wrists, blood running down my hands. I can hear the soft dripping as it lands on the carpet. 

I find myself being dragged across the room and thrown across the desk. Knives is pinning me down, stopping me from moving, as he is far stronger than I am. "Please…don't…" A sharp slap resounds and my head is forced sideways as his hand makes contact with my face. It stings, but I can barely feel it. It seems like my whole body has gone numb. 

"Did I give you permission to speak, human." Again, he spits the word like something bitter, nasty, something he'd rather not have in his mouth. I shake my head 'no', not wanting to give him an excuse to hit me again. "Then don't. I don't want to hear another noise from you." He's off me, tugging at my jeans, removing them quickly. I should run, now that he's off me, but I can't. It's like my whole body has shut down. "Now, I don't know whether to tell you to struggle or not, since it will hurt more if you do. I really don't mind, it's your choice." He's back on top of me now, pushing me down again. 

Strangely, it feels as though I've been in this situation before. 

Memories. Thousands of images assault my mind, memories of the brutish man from my dreams, a woman I barely recognise, other, faceless men. I lie still across the desk, trying to not move, not draw attention to myself. It doesn't work, though, as he grabs me by the neck and pulls me from the desk. He tries to make me stand but I can't, I can barely hold on to what is left of consciousness. 

"Pathetic human. Do what you're told next time." He sounds just like daddy. His voice is different, but the tone, what he says, it's all the same. He throws me down on the floor hard, making me skid a short way. I feel the carpet burn against my shoulder and the pain of the cuffs cutting further into my wrists. I feel dizzy, possibly from blood loss, and know that the wonderful darkness will soon cover me. 

The faceless man leaves. I wonder what I was supposed to do that I didn't, I can't remember. Maybe I made daddy mad again, and this was his punishment? Probably. That's all I can seem to do at the moment, make daddy angry. The sticky blood on my fingers is clotting. Each time I wake up after a short bout of unconsciousness I can feel it has become a little harder. I suppose that's a good thing, as I won't bleed to death, but it makes my hands feel horrible. 

Where's Kyana? She should be here by now. She normally comes to see me straight after something like this happens. I want Kyana. I want my big sister. 

I hear the door opening. I can see the person hesitate in the doorway, before turning and leaving me alone. Just another faceless man. 

Another follows shortly. And another. They're looking for Knives. I can't tell who it is, even though I can see them clearly. My brain can't seem to put names to faces. They're looking for Knives, but they find me instead. I don't know whether they're scared of what he'll do to them if they help me, or whether they just don't care, but no one comes any further into the room than the doorway. 

I know the sound of his footsteps down the hall, know by the way the doorknob is turned, so it doesn't surprise me when Legato enters the room. Legato will help me, I know it. We've shared too much together for him to just leave me lying here, broken and bleeding. He stops in the doorway, just like the others, just staring at me in wide-eyed disgust. My heart sinks in my chest as he leaves, practically slamming the door behind him. He doesn't care. 

It is Dominique who helps me in the end, taking the key from the table across the room from where Knives picked the handcuffs up from and unlocking my wrists. Dominique who carried me from the room to her own and cleaned me up, dressing my wounds as she did. Dominique who comforted me as I sobbed silently, finally letting the tears escape from my eyes, releasing my pain. She stroked my hair, so much like…I can't remember. Like someone else, someone I used to know, didn't I? I can't really remember. 

I finally fall asleep, still lying on Dominique's bed as she whispers soothing words to me. I had no idea she could be this caring. I wish I had been nicer to her now. 

~*~ 

**A/N:** I feel bad. 


	8. A Plants Delight

**A/N:**I am bad, I am evil, I am cruel, this is not the end, there are two more chapters to go. 

**WARNINGS:** Death, depression, **yaoi** (m/m), child abuse (EVIL *stabs*), non con. 

**PAIRINGS:** Legato x Midvalley, Midvalley x Legato, OC x Legato (non con), probably others. 

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Trigun or any of the characters mentioned here. If I did, there would be a 'sing along' version, like the disney ones! 

~*~

**Painful Remembrance **

By Neko Malik (aka Berserker Farfarello) 

**Chapter 10** - A Plant's Delight 

Soft kisses, demanding, pulling me from slumber. I wonder who could possibly be with me, be willing to wake me in such a way now. For one terrible moment I think that it is Knives, my tormentor, wanting another round. My eyes fly open and my body stiffens, preparing for the onslaught that never comes. I can't focus properly for a moment and begin to panic, my breaths coming in short, sharp gasps, mouth wide and lungs heaving, trying to get enough oxygen into them. I'm shaking all over and can't seem to stop myself. Whoever was kissing me is now holding me down, stopping my thrashing limbs from moving. I can see now that it isn't Knives, that it's Legato, but my body won't calm. 

'Midvalley!' The voice in my head makes me stop, forces me to be still. I stare up at my tormentor with wide, terrified eyes. I am afraid of this man. He doesn't move, doesn't blink, just stares back. I'm sure that he's going to hurt me, punish me for making such a fuss, like daddy. He doesn't, though, doesn't even move, just stares back at me. 

"Oh, Midvalley." He shifts slightly, bringing his hand up to my face to cup it gently, the way he always used to. I flinch away, shutting my eyes tightly, letting a few tears escape from the corners of my eyes. My nails are cutting tracks into the palms of my hands as I try to keep myself under control and not succumb to the impending panic attack at the gesture. 

Strong arms wrap around my torso, pulling me into a hard chest. A familiar pressure on my mind prevents it from reacting to the sensation of being held, quelling the rising panic. He holds me close, rocking back and forth with me in his arms and whispering soothing words into my ear. I break down, then, as I never have before, crying of my insecurity, pain, anguish and many other things I cannot even begin to name. It hurts, physically, to cry so hard and my throat is soon raw. I continue to cry, though, relishing in the physical pain to rival my own mental anguish. 

I don't question why Legato is here with me, comforting me, or why he reacted the way he did. I don't need to know whether Knives was telling the truth about the Siren or not, why he left me in that room, and I don't need an apology for what he did. All that matters to me right now is that he's here, my angel, and that he cares for me. 

I don't try to get myself under control, don't really want to stop the pain of crying, but eventually I just can't seem to continue any more, so I stop. Legato moves to pull away from me, but I hold on to him, I don't want this moment to end. 

"I can't stay." I look up at him with large, watery eyes, pleading with him to stay. He doesn't, though, just shakes his head and disentangles himself from me. I sit still, head bowed, trying to look as pathetic and submissive as possible. I can see that he is hesitating. 

"Why?" Just one answer is required, nothing more, but I don't even get that. 

"I'm sorry." He leans in, kissing me passionately. I throw my arms around his neck and put everything I have into the kiss because I know that it's his way of saying goodbye, that I wont have another chance to be with him like this again. 

Then, he's gone, like he was never here to begin with. 

I can't cry any more, maybe that's why he let me sob into his chest, so that I wouldn't be able to when he left. I know now that he cares, but that doesn't stop me from wanting him back, wanting him here, with me. Sleep comes to me easily this time, helped along by a little psychic push from Legato. 

~*~ 

"You know." Oh god, that voice! Knives. "I found a book the other day, it was most interesting. It was about the methods of punishment and torture humans adopted for use on each other." He knows I'm awake, I can't pretend that I'm not, but I can't move without permission either. "_Very_ interesting. Did you know they had something called an 'Iron Maiden'? It was a coffin with spikes inside it to impale people on. A slow and painful death, I should imagine. It didn't really go into much detail, such a pity." He's sitting across the room from me, in a plush chair I don't recognise. I must still be in Dominique's room. "There was one thing that really caught my interest, though. Do you want to know what it was?" He's standing, walking over to me. My throat is dry, fear making it constrict further. I have to answer him, but I can't. _"Well?"_

"Y-yes, m-m-master." I stutter, my voice hoarse and painful. Knives hates stuttering more than anything, but he already has plans for me. Big plans, by the look in his eyes. 

"Good. Follow me." He strides from the room, moving at a painfully fast pace. I scramble up after him, trying to keep up but my insides feel like they're on fire and I lag behind. It doesn't matter, though, as he soon stops in front of a door I know too well; the door to Legato's room. 

My heart is pounding against my chest as I follow him inside. The room is well lit, but I can't see anything that could be used as a torture device. "Strip." A command. I hesitantly comply, removing all of my clothing. At least this time he won't ruin my clothes. "Lie down, on the floor." Again, I do as he says. Whatever he does to me can't be worse than last time, right? I'm expecting the familiar pressure of another body, instead I get a heavy weight placed on my back. It feels like wood. My arms are lifted above my head and tied tightly to whatever has been placed across me. My feet soon follow suit, so I am tied, eagle-spread, to an X-shaped structure. 

I feel the floor drop away and the ropes pull tight as I am lifted on the structure to lean against the wall, facing the door. "This is called 'crucifixion'. The humans, traditionally, used to use a cross, much like the one your preacher friend carries around. I like the shape of this one better, though, don't you think?" I nod, unsure as to what I'm supposed to do as well as what he's planning to do. A blindfold is placed over my eyes and tied too tight, stopping me from seeing whatever Knives is doing. 

Intense pain in my right hand causes me to scream, it's as though my arm is on fire, like I've been stabbed. When several hard, stinging slaps to the face don't quiet me, Knives does the same to my other hand. Then my feet, one after the other. The pain is agonising, like nothing I have ever experienced before. Even with the high pain threshold that comes with being shot numerous times, I can't stand the pain. 

"Nails are pushed through the hands and feet and the person is left to die." So that's what he was using, nails. Wait...to die? If he wants me dead, then why am I in Legato's room where I'm bound to be found and rescued? "It normally takes two or three days, sometimes longer, for a person to die. We don't have that long." Another lance of white-hot pain assaults my senses, this time across my chest. It feels like a knife, being dug deep into my flesh. Knives repeats the motion again and again, until I'm barely conscious from blood loss and the pain. 

"If I was sticking with tradition, I would have done outside, in the desert, where birds can feast on your still-living flesh." I can't see him, but I can feel him as he leans in to whisper in my ear; "But, just between you and me, I thought this would make a nice present for my disobedient slave." Legato. I know he means Legato, but why has Legato been disobedient? Did Knives forbid him to see me, which is why he had to leave? Or maybe it was something to do with the Siren? I don't know, and I can't ask as I forget who I am, where I am and why it's bothering me at all. 

Goodbye. 

~*~

**A/N:** I've actually finished writing it now, it's just a case of posting it. 


	9. Forget Liberty, give me Death

**A/N:**Hi there! Sorry this took so long to post, but I didn't like the original version much so I re wrote it. This one is much better and has more angst, which is always good! This chapter is completely in Legato POV, for obvious reasons. I've tried to change my writing style a little to suit him, let me know if I've managed it 'cause I can't tell. 

SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 24!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! I borrowed some of the episode for this, changing it to fit the story. Changing it a LOT to fit the story! For one thing, Midvalley isn't in it. 

Legato talks too much. I 'borrowed' most of his speeches and annotated them with thoughts. He thinks about Midvalley a LOT... 

This is based on the English language dubbed version, rather than the subs 'cause the subs are terrible and in places make no sense. 

Overly sappy and I STILL managed to cry again! Damn, I shouldn't get so attached to characters. 

Is it spelt Saverem or Severem?? 

**WARNINGS:** Death, depression, **yaoi** (m/m), child abuse (EVIL *stabs*), non con. 

**PAIRINGS:** Legato x Midvalley, Midvalley x Legato, OC x Legato (non con), Knives x Midvalley (non con), hinted at Vash x Wolfwood, but it's not really supposed to be. 

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Trigun or any of the characters mentioned here. If I did, I'd be rich...or something. 

~*~

**Painful Remembrance **

By Neko Malik (aka Berserker Farfarello) 

**Chapter 11** - Forget Liberty, give me Death 

My heart shattered as he was torn away from me, ripping my only lifeline from my very being. I knew what Master Knives was going to do, saw him do it, but I couldn't stop him. He is my master; I cannot turn against him even now. I'm alone now, so alone. I think master Knives took him from me to try and ensure my loyalty. He's wrong, though, master is wrong. I shouldn't even be thinking thoughts like this about master Knives, I'm not worthy enough to even think of him, but...he took Midvalley, took away the only person I have ever let myself care about since Kyana was taken from me by that bastard genetically known as my father. That disgusting human I have no choice to share my genes with. 

I'm alone and crying, weeping for my beloved angel who was so brutally ripped from my grasp by the one person I can do nothing to get revenge against. I don't know why I can't disobey Knives, I just can't. It's almost like he can control me. Sending me out today, I knew what was going to happen, knew that I would never see Midvalley again...never hear his voice, his laughter, never see his smile. God, Middy, I want to see you one last time, please! You've only been gone a matter of hours and already I feel the despair of loss taking over by very being, forcing me into an abyss I could barely escape the first time round. I can't live without you. 

I'm alone, mentally and physically, sitting here against this cliff face. It would be so easy to just climb to the top and jump. I can't, though, I don't believe in suicide. Midvalley wouldn't be very happy if I did, and it would be going against master Knives' orders. He specifically told me not to kill myself; he knew that I knew, made sure that our minds were linked as he carried out his punishment, made me watch... 

I hate him. Hate him and love him, my master. He has destroyed so much that makes me happy, but still I love him. Not the way I love Midvalley, or the sibling love I had with Kyana, a different kind of love. I can't even begin to describe it. 

I know now that I will not return to master Knives, I will not see any of the others again. I will wait here until an opportunity to die presents itself. If one never prevents itself, I'll die anyway since I don't plan on moving unless I have to. I have no reason to. That's not suicide, so I'm not going against master Knives' orders. 

I wasn't really angry with him, I hope he knows that. I had to find some way of separating myself from him, distancing us so that master Knives wouldn't carry out his threat. I knew that if we stayed together, he was as good as dead. Now look though, he is dead, and it's my fault. If I had just kept my distance, stayed away from him, then maybe he would still be alive and I wouldn't be sitting against a wall of natural stone with a rock poking me in the back. 

It almost killed me to see him lying there, on the floor of one of master's rooms, broken and bleeding. I could see his pain as he stared at me, begging me with his eyes to make the suffering end. I couldn't, though. Couldn't condemn him to death. I still managed to do it, though, in the end. I deserve to be punished for disobeying master Knives, Midvalley didn't. 

I don't know if Knives knows what I am planning to do. I don't think he does, as he wouldn't have sent me so far afield. I am still much to valuable to him, despite my being nothing more than a weak and pitiful human, for him to just let me die. He still needs me to carry out his plans, though even I am not sure what those are. I do know that they revolve around Vash the Stampede, though, and he needs me to get him. 

I think he has my death planned. Not for now, obviously, but he knows when he is going to kill me. Or get someone else to do it for him. Maybe he was planning on getting me to kill myself, just not yet. I suppose that by ending my life now I'm disobeying him. He didn't technically say that I'm not allowed to get killed, just that I'm not allowed to take my own life. 

I'm trying not to think about Midvalley; every time I do it feels like another shard of my glass heart is being inverted, stabbing into by chest, making me bleed. It would be nice to feel the pain physically, rather than just a mental fabrication, but Midvalley would like that even less than suicide. I will not make Middy unhappy for my own selfish reasons. 

A familiar presence taps at the edge of my mind and I allow a small smirk to grace my features; Vash. My master's darling brother. A plan slots into place, falling like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and somehow managing to fit together inside my head. 

It's a perfect plan, foolproof, brilliant in its simplicity. The boy is upset, miserable, though he hides it well. His pain is the same as mine, losing a loved one always hurts. He's trying to feel happy, reassure those around him, stay strong for Wolfwood. That damn priest was always more trouble than he was worth. I don't know why he's trying to stay strong, it only hurts more. I have to, though; he can't know what I'm planning. 

I make my way down to the town, walking quickly. I have to get there before he leaves, before my only chance for a release from this pathetic human body disappears into the arid desert once again. 

He's still there when I arrive, sitting on a bench, sobbing his heart out. I feel a pang of guilt for what I am about to do; I know it will kill him. I can see a large bag of doughnuts lying on the ground by his feet. Some have spilled out of the bag, such a waste. I realise that I haven't eaten in over three days as a growl sounds from my complaining stomach at the sight of the food, but there is no point in eating now, not when the end is so near. 

The town is busy, very busy. It is easy enough to hide myself among the populace; I don't even have to use my ability. I'm trying not to; it would mean seeing inside his head. I don't want to do that, I know it would stop me from doing this. The pain is so similar, we are so similar. It's frightening. 

The two boys prove to be the perfect targets, examining Vash with their childish curiosity, questioning him. I felt so terrible, so cruel. I can't allow myself to feel such things, not anymore. I hurt him, making the boys accuse him of killing Wolfwood. I feel like crying again, though I can't as I have a mission to perform and an image to uphold. He's hurting so much. 

I do have some sense of humanity left; I couldn't let the town witness what was about to happen, what I hoped would happen. They couldn't know that the blonde man sitting among them was really Vash the Stampede, everything would go wrong if that were to happen. So, I apply the smallest amount of pressure in their heads, all of their heads, and in less than a second every man, woman and child is unconscious. I don't kill innocents. 

He stands up, looking around desperately. I think he thinks I killed them. He hasn't spotted me yet, his pupils dilate and his breathing escalates. Yes, he definitely thinks that they are all dead. Either that or he is frightened of me. I will not check, I have no desire to know and that would mean opening his mind to all of the emotions I am trying not to feel. 

I'm standing only meters away when he finally spots me. I try to look calm and collected on the outside, but inside I'm really a mass of nerves and emotions. He doesn't notice. 

"I decided to do this as my humble way of exhibiting grief over the loss of a good friend; how'd I do?" Calm, callous, everything he thinks I am, everything I'm not. He doesn't know I'm not talking about Wolfwood, that I'm really talking about Midvalley. He doesn't need to know that I'm really speaking the truth, that my death is my way of exhibiting my intense grief. 

"You again." He's trying to be calm, trying to match my appearance, but he doesn't manage it. A slight hint of nervousness creeps out, though he hides his fear and agitation well. "Damn you!" Not as well as I thought. He's angry, furious even. He thinks I'm mocking him. 

"Are you going to draw?" I am now; I need him to shoot me. He moves his coat to reveal his gun, the twin of my master's. The boy stops him, though. Damn, I had forgotten about them. He's still half under my control, having access to my thoughts. Vash looks stressed now, unsure of himself. He's not going to do it; I have to bring the situation back under my control. "That's right, you can't possibly draw. You seem to think you've never killed anyone but I'm afraid you're very sadly mistaken. You've managed to fool no one but yourself. You want to believe that because your hands aren't dirty, because you didn't personally pull the trigger, that you are innocent, when in actuality you've killed countless people, including your friend; Nicholas D. Wolfwood." He finally reacts to my taunting, raising his voice. 

"I was forced to do that, I had no choice!" He's angry and upset, a good mixture for committing murder. He finally draws, aiming his gun directly at my head. I don't even flinch; I want this. 

"Every time you make that face it's strange; my left arm begins to shake uncontrollably, because it happens to be the very arm that was attached to your body." He's shocked now, lowering his gun. I should have been more careful; he wasn't expecting that. If I had failed to mention my arm I might very well be dead right now. "I will be waiting for you on that hill." I turn and begin to walk away before stopping again, giving him another chance to end this. "If you wish to shoot me now, go ahead." He doesn't, he can't. I let go of the minds of the townsfolk and make my way back to the cliff to wait for him. 

I didn't have to wait very long until another opportunity for death came my way. Or, rather, a way of assisting with my first plan. The two insurance girls, I don't bother to find out their names since I don't need them yet, happen to arrive on the very cliff I am waiting for Vash on. I have taken control of half of the townsfolk, hoping to use them in my plan. Instead, I use them to subdue the girls. They are hidden from view; I will only use them if completely necessary. Vash will not stand to lose another friend if he can prevent it. 

"We should have died a very long time ago you and I; the instant we fell upon this sandy land without pain and without sorrow." We're not without pain and sorrow anymore though; too much has happened, to you as well as to me. "Now the schedule has merely been set back; the end is near, it is time to embrace it." I look forward to death, look forward to seeing you again my Midvalley. I am sure that we will meet again. "That is why I must...I must end it. End it now." We will be together soon, love. 

"This is the climax, Vash the Stamp-" He shoots me, he finally shoots me. I barely feel the bullets as they rip through my shoulder, my leg, my stomach. I don't react to them, merely steadying myself after the force of the hits. These wounds will be fatal if I leave them untreated, so I am as good as dead whether he decides to kill me or not. His gun is pointed at my head, he is breathing hard and leaning away from me, as though he wants to run but knows that he can't. I am not afraid. "So, do you hate me?" A trivial question, one that I don't really want to know the answer to. "I'm not surprised. If you do I won't blame you, so many sad things happen to you. Whether they are friend or enemy, the people you meet die. It's enough to sap ones tears." I am actually sympathising with him, though he doesn't realise it. He thinks me to be a heartless monster, as I thought him once to be a god on par with Master Knives. Now I know him not to be, he is almost as human as the humans themselves are. I wonder, would we have been friends if things have been different? 

"Shut up!" His angry shout drags me from my musings back to the present, where his gun is still poised and ready at my temple. 

"Haven't you given up yet, Vash? It's really quite annoying." A shot from the left hits him in the arm, knocking him over sideways. My army of villagers, completely under my control, has arrived to force his hand. He will kill me. He won't kill them. 

"Bastard!" 

"You're out of options; fight back or you'll die." They shoot again. I won't kill him, won't even injure him too badly. If he acts quickly he'll escape with a few minor wounds. He aims his gun at my head again from his position on the ground. "Why don't you go ahead? I welcome this to be my time. After all, there's no reason for such an egocentric incomplete life like mine to be allowed to continue anyway." Midvalley... "Give me the gift of nothingness! Give me death! Kill me." I am asking him, begging him to kill me and still he refuses. I am forced to play my final card; the girls. The rough treatment of such innocent creatures should, hopefully, move him enough to kill me. Even I cannot see the future. 

"Stop them! No more!" Now he is the one reduced to begging. I will not hurt them, will not kill them, but he doesn't know that. A shot is fired between their heads, into the ground. They scream and Vash gasps, expecting death. "I said stop it now!" 

"Then shoot me!" He has no choice. "It's alright, kill me." I use the soft lilt I normally reserve for Midvalley, but...he's not here any more. We will be together soon, my love. I promise. "It's simple; all you need do is pull the trigger. Once you have killed me, this will all be over." Please, Vash. Just kill me. "Come on, time to choose, you have free will." 

"Stop it. Don't make me shoot." He looks like he is in so much pain, but the girls screams and cries for help drag his attention away from his own internal angst. He's not going to do it, I can see it in his eyes now, he won't kill me. 

I know it's a bad idea before I do it; delving into his mind to find the thing that will hurt him the most. A name; Rem Saverem, with a philosophy I find to be really quite foolish, though that may be because of the influence my past has had on me. Then, the waves of pain, guilt and suffering crash down on me, drowning me in their intensity. I forget to breathe, struggling to keep my calm demeanour. I manage it, barely. Vash is too busy worrying about the girls to notice anything small anyway. 

"Your faith is hopelessly obstinate. To actually believe the prattlings of a woman who speaks in idealistic terms that are worthless. I guess that kind of thinking is reasonable for someone who has lived for more than a century, but that way of life is pathetic, even comical. Rem Saverem, a wasted existence who only spoke in aggravating logic. A worthless human being, just like me, but unlike you." 

"That's enough!" He screams at me, shooting up to tower over me as I kneel, awaiting my fate. I am rewarded; he will kill me now. Midvalley...I am coming, my love. 

I close my eyes and all is darkness. 

~*~

**A/N:** One more chapter to go... 


	10. Nevermore Dead Riverman

**A/N:**Me again. New Years resolution; post faster. I've had this written for ages so I don't really know why it has taken me so long to post it, gomen! 

Next on my list of things to do; finish Twisted Memories. I'm having some trouble writing the lemon, which is why it's taking so long. Is anyone here reading that one? Oh well, if you are then the next chapter should hopefully be out soon. 

Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers, I love you all! 

Make of this, the final chapter, what you will. There will be no further explaination. 

**WARNINGS:** Death, depression, **yaoi** (m/m), child abuse (EVIL *stabs*), non con. 

**PAIRINGS:** Legato x Midvalley, Midvalley x Legato, OC x Legato (non con), Knives x Midvalley (non con), hinted at Vash x Wolfwood, but it's not really supposed to be. 

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Trigun or any of the characters mentioned here. If I did, there'd be a huge themepark called Legato Land! 

~*~

**Painful Remembrance **

By Neko Malik (aka Berserker Farfarello) 

**Chapter 12** - Nevermore Dead Riverman 

"Come on!" The girl reaches out to take my hand, her blonde pigtails flapping in the breeze. A giant grin is plastered over her face, the same as the one on the photograph. Freckles dust her nose lightly and a pair of ocean blue eyes peek out from under her too-long fringe, which she keeps brushing out of her face. "Hurry up, or we'll miss the boat!" She grabs my hand, pulling me along behind her. She is far stronger than I, taller too, and not as slim. My blue hair is blown into my face by the wind, so I push it out of the way. 

Wait, blue? Legato has blue hair, I'm Midvalley. I have black hair, not blue...no. Midvalley doesn't exist any more, does he? Do I need him to exist? I don't think I do. There is no need for me...for him any more. 

"Kyana, slow down, I'm not as fast as you!" She laughs, but does as I ask. Trees pass us on either side, dotted about the landscape randomly. Grass flies beneath our feet, along with a multitude of wild flowers. I can just see a large lake appearing over the horizon. It grows in size as we approach and I can see there is a boat waiting. A man is sitting in the boat, a cloak covering his head and hiding his face from view. At least...I think it's a man, could be a woman I suppose. The person doesn't move as we approach and Kyana pulls me into the boat. We're finally together again, after ten years of being apart. I've finally got my big sister back again. 

My name is Legato Bluesummers and I'm nine years old. 

~*~

~Ende~ 


End file.
